 Ok, here are things people are going to ask you or things that you should look out for so that your wedding doesn't become a nightmare. Feel free to use my answers at will.
1. What kind of gift should we get you? I can't tell you how many times I've been asked this. First, we have a registry. Second, we like cash. Third, if I get sent another crappy ashtray or homemade ice cream maker.....let's just say I'm not going to be happy. Either follow the registry or give cash, that's the easy answer. Do not deviate from either of those, I don't care how 'cool' you think your gift is going to be.
2. How many people are going to be at the wedding? Fuck. Is that any of your business? I am only asking you to show up at the reception, receive a free dinner, free drinks and maybe smile a little bit. Does it matter how many people will be there? Is there like a minimum number of people that need to attend before you can come? Just shut up and show up.
3. What can I do to help? Nothing. I really don't want your opinion on how things should be. If I need help from you I will ask you.
4. Am I sitting by _______? Again, who gives a shit? Show up, shut up, have a good time. You will see that this is my response to a lot of questions.
5. I just met a great guy/gal, can I bring them to the wedding? So you want me to pay for someone you barely know to come to my wedding when you are a borderline guest to begin with? Oh yeah, absolutely bring them along. I'm looking forward to mistakingly calling them the name of your previous ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
6. Can I give a speech at your wedding? If you are are willing to pay $20k then you can speak. Every thousand dollars over $20k gets you an extra 10 seconds past the initial 30 second speech maximum time allotment.
7. Are you nervous? If I was nervous would I be getting married? Seriously, if I'm nervous about the person standing next to me at the altar then I probably shouldn't have wasted everyone's time.
8. Where are you going on your Honeymoon? Far away from here. Don't worry about it. Don't call, don't text and don't write me a letter.
9. Do you really think you should be doing insert random wedding activity? A thousand times yes. Actually, I'm going to do it twice just to piss you off.
10. When are you going to start having kids? Probably about the time that one of your parents die because we believe in reincarnation and we'd like them to come back and kick the shit out of you in 15 years.
11. How much did the wedding cost? I don't know, how much did your sex change cost? See, both are inappropriate questions but I believe mine is more relevant because I'm actually wondering how much it will cost to have your balls re-attached so I can kick you in them.
12. Can I bring my kids to the wedding/reception? Are you fucking kidding me? We are giving you a legitimate opportunity to get away from your children for one night and you want to bring them along? I understand that we didn't write 'Adult Only Reception' on our invitations but that's because we figured you'd have enough sense to figure out that this would be a nice time for you to get out of the house and maybe get some strange sex from your wife in a nice hotel room.
So, as a groom, use the above answers to help you out. As a guest, don't ever ask these questions. We're really not asking for much, just show up, smile, get your meal, leave your gift and we'll see you later. | 
2008 Cubs Preview
I'm getting married in exactly a week and let me tell you, it's been quite a ride since our engagement. Some things have been fun, some things have been boring and some things have just been down right annoying. Since I'm here to help guide you through life (insert joke) follow me after the jump for answer to questions and tips on how to get through your pre-wedding adventure.
that is the most negative post i believe i have ever read. maybe we should be sure to conduct a rousing rendition of the chicken dance at the reception just to lighten your spirits.
Shit, that's another one
Q: Can we request songs at the reception?
A: Fuck you, we pay the DJ for his expertise or he gets his ass kicked. Leave him alone so that he can do his job. There will be no chicken dance, there will be no achy, breaky heart. There is no dollar dance.
Negative, no. Informative, yes.
I thought it was straight to the point.
Now, you guys going to the strip club?
I certainly hope I'm going to get at least a lap dance out of this at some point, yes.
Point of order! I have it in writing that any request made to the DJ is cleared through me before it is being played. I was informed I would receive a list of songs that were absolute "No's" and then my discretionary dignity would be applied to any superfluous requests with instructions to maintain taste and decorum and prevent any unnecessary embarrassment. I had even been practicing for that shit. Suspicious Minds (A "Yes" if I get to sing along). The Devil Went Down to Georgia ("No" jack and the Dentist don't listen to country). Conway Twitty (Goddammit! What did I just say?! No, not even rhinestone country!) AC/DC (Bon Scott or Brian Johnson?) Lets Get It ON (Yer goddamn right! Marvin Gaye works for me, we might try Sexual healing, too, if everyone has partaken of enough social lubrication.) Everything I do I Do It For You (Look, I know what you are getting at but we are trying to keep the pace up here and that is way overplayed.) Anything by the Bangles? (Yeah, but only Eternal Flame and only in an well constructed, ironic 80s set following a good dance tune, maybe something off of Thriller or Joan Jett or Addicted to Love. Maybe) Anything by Celine Dion? (Buck, hold the door open while I go to work.)
So, where are you registered? gotta admit, though, that what you want and what I think you need may be miles off. Do you have a deep freeze?
I'm wondering if I can sell my time off to someone that wants to give a speech? I figure mine will run about 4-5 minutes....that could pay off my students loans if I sell the whole amount...?
That just goes to show you how great we expect the speech to be. No pressure....
After the wedding, I would like you to go back and answer question #7 again. I was pretty smooth the whole time until I walked out in front of everyone. Everyone staring at you like you have a bat in the cave (booger in the nose) can gets my nerves going. As I have told Paine many times, there are not a lot of smart people out there so they have to ask stupid questions of which some you have mentioned in the post. Good luck! One note of advice (even thought this will probably piss you off and you'll write a post about it), go get a big breakfast/brunch on your wedding day. Don't ask why just do it.
"One note of advice (even thought this will probably piss you off and you'll write a post about it), go get a big breakfast/brunch on your wedding day. Don't ask why just do it"
Very good point, I was thinking the same thing about a week ago so I'm taking the groomsmen out to lunch to make sure everyone has eaten at least once. With the wedding day schedule you never know when you're going to eat.
You know, I don't remember ever being nervous about anything. I've played in front of crowds of people calling me every name in the book so I'm hopeful that standing up in front of friends/family will be fine.
I mean, I'm excited, no doubt about that but not nervous.