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Cobra Crackdown: 4th of July Edition

http://www.cobrabrigade.com/img/blacklagoon.jpg(You get this a day early because of the holiday)

I'll be honest with you, I haven't had that many memorable 4th of July's. I wasn't a kid who was big on setting off fireworks and many of my weekends growing up were filled with baseball tournaments so I didn't spend much time watching fireworks shows and doing whatever makes 4th of July memorable for most of you. But.....I did have one very, very memorable 4th of July and it includes wiffle ball and 'The Creature from the Black Lagoon'. Keep reading to hear the story and to catch up on some sports related stuff......

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http://www.cobrabrigade.com/img/4thofjuly.jpgEveryone has a friend who just flat out knows how to throw a party. Well, I'm no different. My friend, we'll call him "Weber", throws 4th of July bashes that are like mythical beasts of nature. Everyone has heard of them but few have seen them. It is filled with alcohol, a beautiful pool, music, laughs, alcohol, alcohol, women, his family and....wiffle ball. For many years I had to turn down an invite but when I was, I believe, 22, I was able to attend and participate in the festivities. I'll never forget it.

I'll skip the appetizer and get straight to the main course. We're all playing wiffle ball and we're all trashed. When I say all of us I'm talking about 9 guys, 2 girls and.....Weber's Grandfather. We're all absolutely trashed. We're all having a great time.

Weber's wiffle ball field is set up pretty normally except for the fact that there isn't an outfield fence. His backyard led up to a corn field so anything hit in the corn field was an automatic home run. The only exception was if you dove from the grass into the corn field to nab a fly ball. The only thing wrong with this setup was that.....Weber's septic tank run-off ran along the third row of the corn field. Everyone knew and was well aware of this.

So we're playing wiffle ball, drinking beer, cracking jokes, hitting on women....having Weber's Grandmother hitting on Cpt. Morgan.....everything is pretty much normal. It's a tight game so the competitive juices start flowing a little bit. No one wants to lose. Least of all, Grandpa Weber.

I'm standing on third base when the next player on my team, it might have been Cpt. Morgan, hits a blast that's heading straight for the corn field. No doubt about it. We're going to be up a couple of runs easily when all of a sudden....yet in slow motion....we all see Weber's Grandfather start to run back to catch the ball......he ignores the 'no catching in the corn field unless diving from the grass' rule and starts floating about in the second row of the cornfield.....the home run blast is finally losing it's momentum and preparing to fall to Earth when it gets to the third row....Grandpa Weber is chasing after this ball like he probably chased after the Germans. Nothing will stop him yet we are all wondering what the hell he's doing.

http://www.cobrabrigade.com/assets_c/2009/07/theblob-thumb-250x165-10303.jpgNext thing you know, Grandpa Weber leaves his feet and is Jim Edmonds-style diving for the wiffle ball in the third row of the cornfield. He finally falls to terra firma and we all begin to worry a little bit when we don't see movement. With the combination of corn (knee high by the 4th of July) and septic run-off (shit stew), we fear this man might have expired.

Suddenly, yet slowly, we begin to see movement much like Hulk Hogan and his patented rise from the mat. One leg comes up....we see an arm....we see a leg....and finally Grandpa Weber rises up.....wiffle ball in his right hand.....and covered in shit. He looked like a combination of 'The Creature from the Black Lagoon' and 'The Blob'. He screams that Cpt. Morgan is out (!!!) but we're all already on the ground in tears from laughing so hard. You can't keep playing after something like that happens.   

I would pay $1,000,000 to see that happen again but I know it never will. On days that are rough, I just think of that memory. Onto the sports stuff.....

- Cubs - Aramis Ramirez is supposed to come back next week so the Cubs Management is hoping that he'll turn things around. I don't see it happening because this ballclub is fundamentally very poor. They aren't hitting with runners in scoring position, they are making bad plays in the field and Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano are jokes. I'd almost say to start trading guys (Rich Harden, Kevin Gregg) but there isn't anyone in the system that's ready to come up for some seasoning. On the bright side, Jake Fox has looked decent at third base.

 - NBA Free Agents - Really, who cares?

- Pitchmen - I told you guys about this show a few weeks ago and by now we all know that Billy Mays has passed away. I have to say this was more upsetting to me than the death of Michael Jackson.  

 Anyways, that's all I have since it's a short week. Enjoy your 4th of July but beware of the shit stew. 


Bruce Paine said

More than Michael Jackson? Are you kidding me?

Cobra said

I have to say, last night was the season finale of 'Pitchmen' and it was sad. Great, great show with great characters. I've never bought those kinds of products but Mays just comes off as a good guy. His family is involved a little bit with the show so it can pull at your heartstrings a bit.I guess next week they are doing like a tribute show or something, should be decent.

Also on that channel, they are starting a show later this month called 'The Colony' where it's supposed to be an end of times kind of deal where a group of people are left to salvage what's left. I'm not sure how they are going to pull it off but I'll check out the first few shows. There is also a show called 'Expedition Africa' on the History Channel that's pretty decent.

The GM said

Cmon Bruce...for the last 12 years or so, MJ has been in the news for nothing positive it seems.

I think people aren't really putting things into perspective when it comes to his death. Yes, he was a great musician, but what else?

That is like people crying about OJ when he dies and he really helped change the running back position in football....

Bruce Paine said

You're a towel, GM! MJ was an integral aprt of my childhood that I enjoyed. I loved Thriller, we had an 8track of Off the Wall, I even liked Bad and Dangerous. No, he didn't mean much to anyone in the alst 12 years, but he meant something to people before that and that is what they are lamenting. Theya re lamenting that somebody they once enjoyed succumbed to the psychological shit pile that is celebrity. He was a great singer, writer, revolutionary dancer, producer, you name it. The guy formed a big part of the cultural spectrum of my childhood. No, the English styled androgeny never translated to the U.S. in the late 90's, yes he turned into the something scarier each time you saw him after Bad came out. But he still meant more to me than a guy that screamed at me about lime deposits while I was watching Venture Brothers on Adult Swim.


Cobra said

First, MJ's talent can't be questioned. It just felt like, to me, Mays was more relatable than MJ when they both died last week. 'Pitchmen' took me into the life of Mays, had me meet his family.....they seemed like good people. They had just introduced his son (Billy Mays III) and his father (Billy Mays, Sr.) briefly into the show and you could really see the love between them. I can't relate with MJ in any way so that's why I said what I said. Plus, I didn't like what MJ did with little boys.

Sadly (possibly) I laughed at this:

Following a TD pass from Kerry Joseph that put Toronto ahead 6-0, Bruce removed his helmet, shoulder pads and uniform top and laid down in the end zone. Bruce said he was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson by pretending to be buried.

Bruce received two objectionable conduct penalties.

May I congratulate you on this intelligent article.You have won me over and gained a new reader. Compared to many of the articles on the web this is a masterpiece, I am very glad that I came upon your work. I will be linking to this from all my sites.

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