Everyone has a friend who just flat out knows how to throw a party. Well, I'm no different. My friend, we'll call him "Weber", throws 4th of July bashes that are like mythical beasts of nature. Everyone has heard of them but few have seen them. It is filled with alcohol, a beautiful pool, music, laughs, alcohol, alcohol, women, his family and....wiffle ball. For many years I had to turn down an invite but when I was, I believe, 22, I was able to attend and participate in the festivities. I'll never forget it.
I'll skip the appetizer and get straight to the main course. We're all playing wiffle ball and we're all trashed. When I say all of us I'm talking about 9 guys, 2 girls and.....Weber's Grandfather. We're all absolutely trashed. We're all having a great time.
Weber's wiffle ball field is set up pretty normally except for the fact that there isn't an outfield fence. His backyard led up to a corn field so anything hit in the corn field was an automatic home run. The only exception was if you dove from the grass into the corn field to nab a fly ball. The only thing wrong with this setup was that.....Weber's septic tank run-off ran along the third row of the corn field. Everyone knew and was well aware of this.
So we're playing wiffle ball, drinking beer, cracking jokes, hitting on women....having Weber's Grandmother hitting on Cpt. Morgan.....everything is pretty much normal. It's a tight game so the competitive juices start flowing a little bit. No one wants to lose. Least of all, Grandpa Weber.
I'm standing on third base when the next player on my team, it might have been Cpt. Morgan, hits a blast that's heading straight for the corn field. No doubt about it. We're going to be up a couple of runs easily when all of a sudden....yet in slow motion....we all see Weber's Grandfather start to run back to catch the ball......he ignores the 'no catching in the corn field unless diving from the grass' rule and starts floating about in the second row of the cornfield.....the home run blast is finally losing it's momentum and preparing to fall to Earth when it gets to the third row....Grandpa Weber is chasing after this ball like he probably chased after the Germans. Nothing will stop him yet we are all wondering what the hell he's doing.
Next thing you know, Grandpa Weber leaves his feet and is Jim Edmonds-style diving for the wiffle ball in the third row of the cornfield. He finally falls to terra firma and we all begin to worry a little bit when we don't see movement. With the combination of corn (knee high by the 4th of July) and septic run-off (shit stew), we fear this man might have expired.
Suddenly, yet slowly, we begin to see movement much like Hulk Hogan and his patented rise from the mat. One leg comes up....we see an arm....we see a leg....and finally Grandpa Weber rises up.....wiffle ball in his right hand.....and covered in shit. He looked like a combination of 'The Creature from the Black Lagoon' and 'The Blob'. He screams that Cpt. Morgan is out (!!!) but we're all already on the ground in tears from laughing so hard. You can't keep playing after something like that happens.
I would pay $1,000,000 to see that happen again but I know it never will. On days that are rough, I just think of that memory. Onto the sports stuff.....
- Cubs - Aramis Ramirez is supposed to come back next week so the Cubs Management is hoping that he'll turn things around. I don't see it happening because this ballclub is fundamentally very poor. They aren't hitting with runners in scoring position, they are making bad plays in the field and Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano are jokes. I'd almost say to start trading guys (Rich Harden, Kevin Gregg) but there isn't anyone in the system that's ready to come up for some seasoning. On the bright side, Jake Fox has looked decent at third base.
- NBA Free Agents - Really, who cares?
- Pitchmen - I told you guys about this show a few weeks ago and by now we all know that Billy Mays has passed away. I have to say this was more upsetting to me than the death of Michael Jackson.
Anyways, that's all I have since it's a short week. Enjoy your 4th of July but beware of the shit stew.