"Love sought is good, but given unsought is better."
A little background: The Dutchman came to us
through his brother who used to work for us. His brother was a guy I got
along with fairly well despite his absolute absence of work ethic. When
he graduated from IU and moved back home he asked if he could get his brother a
job when he returned from studying abroad for a year. The Dutchman
doesn't like me and that's okay. I get that a lot. He thinks I am
too hard on him at work, too mean with my criticisms, and unequal in the amount
of shit I give him versus the amount of shit I give other people. That is completely not true; I treat
everyone with the same vicious, unending and destructive cruelty. He just takes it personally. At the company Christmas party this year we
discovered what the Dutchman had been doing with his year in Europe. He found a girlfriend. The Dutchman is an ugly sort, not the
rugged, handsome jaw of a Bruce Paine, more like the gangly, rounded chin of the
dude that played Napoleon Dynamite.
Regardless,
when he was in Europe he found a young lady from Wisconsin studying abroad who
had the same sort of fish-out-of-water experience he was having and they
hooked up. She is a lot better looking
than he is. She is tall as well, but
ravishing and blonde to boot and outclasses him with ease. She was charming and polite. The
Dutchman is simply punching above his weight.
Back to the
story.
One of the
things we do a lot at work to insult each other is to compliment someone on how
they perform a mundane task and then watch them with mock awe as they complete
it. The Dutchman and I were taping up
some boxes when the Kid from the PEEPS catastrophe walked by and said,
"Jesus,
Bruce, you sure do know how to tape up a box."
I replied,
"Yeah, I also give a great (sex act that will remain
unsaid)." The Kid and the Legend both
chuckled but as our laugh quieted down we heard the Dutchman say, in a sad,
somber voice,
"My girlfriend used to give
great ********."
Silence
(crickets)
We all dwelled for a moment on the
words "used to".
"What do you mean 'used to'?" the
Kid said, breaking the silence with the obvious question. The Dutchman looked uncomfortable and I
thought I identified a little so I said,
"Well, he is in a long distance
thing (like I am) and she is in Madison, Wisconsin and he is down here
(Bloomington)." The Dutchman looked at
us with tired eyes and stated,
"No, that's not what I meant."
More Silence
We could all sense that something
serious was going on but remained silent.
He continued by saying, "She just doesn't do it anymore." The next part of the conversation will go
without naming speakers because about 10,000 questions were asked in the span
of about 30 seconds so I will reduce it to shorthand with initials representing
speakers.
L- Ever?
D- Just on Christmas and my
birthday.
BP- Do you do it to her?
D- Yes.
BP- A Lot?
D- Yeah, I like doing. K+L+BP- Me too.
L- Does she do it as foreplay?
D- No.
K- Do You?
D- Yes.
K- And she doesn't do it outside of
foreplay either?
D- No.
BP- Do you talk about it?
D- Kind of, I don't think she likes
it. She avoids the subject. I don't
want to her to do anything she doesn't want to do.
BP- Of course not.
L- Do you like it?
D- Yeah, she is good at it.
BP- Not great?
D- No, but real good.
K- Do you do it outside of
foreplay?
D- Yes.
BP- Does she like it?
D- Yeah, she loves it.
K- Does she ask for it?
D- Kinda but she usually doesn't have to.
L- Why doesn't she do it?
D- I guess she doesn't like it but
it really stopped when we started having sex, we just started moving past it
into the other stuff.
BP- Is she boring in the sack?
D- No, but I kind of miss it in the ********. I think we are doing a lot of the same things now.
BP- Did you know that 98% of all
bitches suffer from some sort of hearing loss?
D- What?
BP- It's a frightening statistic.
D- What ?
BP- You are going to have to make
that bitch behave. (The Kid starts dry
humping a box somewhat violently.)
K- He isn't wrong.
L- No kidding.
K- This is about reciprocity.
BP- Yeah, a healthy sex life isn't
about getting pleased, its about giving pleasure and being respected in
turn. You both have to submit to each
other willingly or it won't work. There
is give an take, I don't claim otherwise, but you have to focus on making the
other person happy and she has to be responsible for you in that case.
D- Do you say everything that you think?
L- We're lucky he isn't trying to
talk about pooping. Still, man, you
need to talk to some married guys and find out what their life is like.
BP- A good woman makes sex
fun. A worthless woman takes sex away a
piece at a time.
K- Yeah yeah yeah, first they stop
giving ********, then you get married and they stop doing it doggystyle. After your first anniversary she starts
wearing sweatpants to bed and you don't get to pat her ass anymore. After you have kids you won't see a vagina
again until its time to make a baby and by then you have lost your moves. You start hearing excuses for avoiding sex
like 'I am getting fat' or 'I have to get up early tomorrow'.
L-
Are any of your friends married?
D- No.
L- You need to talk to some of your
brother's friends who got married. The
ones who tell you not to get married are going to say that exact thing.
D- How do you know?
L- Paine and I have lots of friends
who got married and had this exact thing happen to them.
D- No way.
BP- Yes, the only ones that are
happy with being married are the ones who still have a good sex life. That is it.
You need to look out for this chick.
K- Chicks are like dudes. Some dudes are assholes, some chicks are
bitches. If you are giving it to her
(he begins to dry hump a box and stands on one leg. One hand is held out as if pulling on reigns and the other is
seems to be pointing aggressively at his own ass. He
seems to be biting at some unseen victim) and you like it like this, she needs
to like that you like it like this. She
needs to be into what you are into and if she likes to stick knitting needles
in your ass then you need to be into that, too.
D- Knitting needles?
BP- We've all seen the
internet. A little exploration never
killed anyone.
K- You think they invented anal
when they invented VHS?
L- We know college sex is like
renting a video game, but if you are going to get serious with a girl you have
to resolve this kind of shit immediately.
You can't go into being with someone forever and be on different sides
of something this big.
D- But girls don't think about sex
the same way guys do.
K- Bullshit, chicks love sex they
just don't like being embarrassed by it.
Girls like penises, and if they act like they don't its because somebody
is doing something wrong.
D- or they are gay.
K- Then they like the other thing,
but they like it and if they don't they will have problems with the chick they
are banging.
BP- If you are only going to tag
one broad you need to make sure that you can both enjoy the same kind of sex
or, at least, each other's kind of sex.
D- I don't want it to be a problem
because she is cool about everything else.
L- That's okay, but this is a lot
like the time Paine kept losing girlfriends because his dick was too
small. I had to sit down and talk to
him about that, too.
And the conversation veered off from there and we
gave the kid a lot of shit for a while and the day returned to normal. But the topic hit on something that I firmly
believe is a problem in our society.
The Dutchman is a young guy and he is getting ready to graduate and move
on with his life and he intends to do it with the same girl. I am sure he will admit, having to spend a
lot of time around older, more experienced guys who are still trying to figure
a lot of things out for himself, that he has a lot of growing yet to do. With alarming divorce rates I think we can
agree that there is something systematically wrong with traditional views about
marriage and its longevity. In my
personal opinion, people are getting married far too young.
How young is too young? It varies from case to case but I think more appropriately I am
talking about maturity. Kids are
getting into the work force a lot later in life nowadays. I have been paying taxes since I was 16, but
more and more that is a rarity for kids that age. Many kids don't get their first jobs until after they get out of
college anymore and that is a trend that has been growing since I was a much
younger fella. The problem with getting
married early is that you don't have time to develop an individual identity in
the real world. You might not get to know
yourself until you have to rely solely on yourself and not the gifts of student
loans and the charity of your parents.
I think many relationships don't survive this transition since, as a
person develops their own individual identity later in life, they don't develop
their sexual identity until much later as well. With women becoming more independent and more active in career directions of their own, compatible sexual identity is becoming far more integral to the relationship. It is no longer acceptable, or fun, for a woman to sacrifice her personal goals and desires to submit to the sexual identity of her partner in such a one-sided fashion. What is a sexual preference or priority at 20 might not be the
same when you are 30. ******** may not be nearly as important or they may become far more important than they have ever been. I don't want to
over-simplify things, but I am a man in my late-20's and I have watched dozens
of friends get married in the last ten years and I have come upon this opinion
after careful observation and reflection.
I was the best man at the wedding of one of my
oldest friends just a few years back, and he was divorced early last year. At work one day he was talking about a
conversation he had had with his ex-wife about something unrelated and I sprung
my theory on him. Rolling his eyes he
threw his hands up and said, "Why couldn't you have said that four years
ago? Were you thinking it?" I told him it was still in its infancy as an
ethos and he laughed. "Pull the trigger
next time, man, you could have saved me a lot of trouble." He went on to say that I was right,
and I say that with no ego because I wouldn't want him to think I was proud that he didn't make it work. I don't
mean to insinuate that this one example makes the theory sound, but I have
observed so many similar things in so many of the other marriages that I have
watched fall apart. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying I know everything about relationships. I don't. I don't want anyone to think that women must like performing ******** or a relationship won't work. I am not. I am saying that I have watched 14 people get married in the last 8 years that I knew well and I very quietly said to myself, and sometimes my girlfriend, that "This is a good one," or "That bitch is crazy and that won't last!" Well, my completion percentage is around 78% at this point with one on the rocks that might push me up to 85. That doesn't make me an expert, but I know my friends and I can read people a little bit and my knee-jerk reactions are what they are. I also don't want people to think that the Dutchman will get married and be a wreck. I am making no predictions here. I just want people to know this. I have seen marriages work. I have seen some really good examples and the comfort and grounding that people receive from such security is nothing to be scoffed at. Consequently the notion of marriage is nothing to be taken lightly and deserves a level of maturity that it so often seems to be missing. In all of that observation I have seen one thing that I believe runs through all of them. If a person ask for the submission of another without being willing to submit themselves, there is no hope for an long, fruitful relationship. The subjugation of one person at the hands of another is slavery. The only hope is to be honest and forthcoming and willing to accept.
I digress with these lyrics from Marvin Gaye's Distant Love:
As I reminisce, through our joyful summer together
The promises we made baby
All the daily letters
Then, all of the sudden
Everything seemed to explode
WOW!
Now I gaze out my window
Sugar, down that lonesome road
Distant lover (lover, lover, lover)
Sugar, how can you treat my heart
So mean and cruel
Didnt you know sugar that every moment
That I spent with you
I treasure it like it was a precious jewel
Please, Lord have mercy
Please, come back, baby
I treasured it baby
And You wanna leave
Oh baby dont go
Please, come back baby
| 
2008 Cubs Preview
I just go by three simple rules with females:
1) Always give em the short strokes. If you give em the long strokes, then they fall in love.
2) The reason a woman has hair on her ********* is to hide the hook. Don't get caught up!
3) You never really know a woman until you've been to court with her.
Now, I've never had to test out #3, but these words of wisdom have been given to me by someone that I know wouldn't steer me wrong.
I had to read #2 twice. I am so ashamed.
CLASSIC! Best post evvaaaaa! In #2, just refer to it as "Roast Beef"!!!! why not?
You know Paine that if you can rock an 85% rate on this there is opportunity to make money at it.
Unlike my normal behaviors, this isn't something I am particularly proud of because of the times I have thought ill and seen in come to fruition. But in that percentage are some couples who are making married life look fun and easy. it even included a couple with a wife that didn't take her husbands name. (yes, he has already heard about it from me)
You're like the Dan Savage of this site, Bruce!
do you mean the gay guy of the site?
The Seinfeldian concept of "hand" is fairly accurate. Except in a marriage, you want the overall "hand" levels to balance. If you get greedy and get too much "hand" these days, your independent-minded spouse is going to get fed up and leave you. She'll also leave you if you have too little "hand", so don't think it's that easy.
My credentials: closing in on the ten-year anniversary.
I firmly believe in balance and made no mention that any of this was easy. What I will continue to say is that traditional concepts of when to get married, how to court a spouse and choose a spouse, and expectation of what to encounter once you are married are inadequate to modern needs and psychologies. They are concepts that were essentially built by the church prior to the 10th century, and while they have lasted for some time without significant change, a modern relationship is evolving into something outside of those paradigms. it hasn't happened in the last 2 years, it is something that has been going on in the last 50 years. it is coming to fruition now, though, and people should take better stock and care with selecting a mate. Oh, and I am advocating people participate in oral sex s often as possible to everyone's mutual benefit.
No, I am not gay and I don't looke like Tom Brady. I am way better looking than that guy.
This girl is clearly enjoying the diminished expectations from the inequality of the relationship. It's only going to get worse for this guy, because it's clear she knows that she's worth more on the dating market than he is. I'm a big fan of marrying at your level, precisely because of this problem. That's exactly why I told Sophia Bush it wouldn't work between us--I don't do charity work, you know? (massive lie)
I agree with you, Bruce. I got marrried just before my 30th birthday, after I felt like I'd had plenty of free time to do whatever the hell I felt like. We live so much longer now, and marriage as socially pressing as it used to be - there's no reason to rush.
MC is right too. She rules this dude's world, and the more he gives up to try and "save the relationship", the more she's going to want to dump him. I think it's already over.
Extra P., good point about delaying. However, I did want to mention two good arguments to be made against waiting too long for marriage.
1. You are so set in your ways that you can't get used to living with another person. I'm sure Mrs. MCBias isn't going to be as excited about "Pajama Saturday" as I am.
2. Any women around? (looks left and right quickly). Frankly, women's looks go downhill FAST after 21. I'm not shallow, but that matters--why should future Mrs. MCBias give her hottest years to other losers when I could be enjoying them? And yet, I certainly don't want to marry someone who's way younger than me. (I'm a fan of taking your decade of life and multiplying it by 2 to figure out sensible age difference between couples). It's a dilemma.
Ugh, I can't believe I just gave you my insight on marriage on here. Pretend this never happened.
I think Old Man Paine may have done it right. He was the 35 year old football coach that married the 21 year old school nurse. I can't complain and it sets a good precedent for patience. I completely agree that late 20s is a much better time to approach marriage. A person needs to have lost their first professional job and be kicked out of their first apartment BEFORE they get married. It adds to perspective.