Subscribe to our RSS feed.
E-mail us a picture of your best Shooter.
Cobra Brigade The Blogs By Fans Network


Jan
11
2008

If I Were A Professional Athlete......

By Jack Cobra  |  Comments (24) | Hype It Up!  |   Filed Under: Featured | Jack Cobra Archive
natportman.jpgWith all of this talk about Jessica Simpson screwing up Tony Romo and the Cowboys, it made me think to myself....if I was a professional athlete (baseball), what celebrity would I try to date? This, of course, is if I never met The Lovely Dentist, which I could only do if I was on a rehab assignment in Indianapolis.....My choice would be...Natalie Portman. Shocked? Surprised? Disappointed? Keep reading to find out why she's my choice.
Scroll Down to Continue Reading

Also on the Network:

√ A few things... [Tremendous Upside Potential]
√ See You In the Swamp [Don't Boo The Birds]
√ The Manny Numbers [El Lefty Malo]


portman.jpgI can hear you guys already....you are a professional athlete...you can have just your pick of women and you choose to go after Natalie Portman??? My answer is a resounding....Yes.

Here's the thing. If I'm gone all Summer playing baseball, I don't want my girlfriend sitting at home alone and bored. That will just make her want to go out and find some excitement....like cheating on her boyfriend. That, my friends, is not a good time. So, I pick Portman and she shoots a movie during the Summer. I can still come visit her on my off days and vice versa....but neither of us are ever so bored that we are looking elsewhere. Then, in the Fall...bam! I'm back and we're hanging out more often.

Next, and this is a huge reason.....she's hot. No, she's not a blond with large breasts, but she looks damn good in jeans, a tshirt and sneakers. Great smile. Check. Great eyes. Check. When she gets dressed up, like in the photo to the right, she looks drop dead gorgeous, but the rest of the time she dresses casually and comfortably....I like that. She doesn't seem like the kind that needs to dress 'provocatively' because she needs the attention...Which takes me to...

She doesn't need the attention of others. She seems happy with herself, her life and the things she does. I've dated girls who always seem to be needing more and more attention and that just doesn't work.

As I continue down the list....she's very intelligent, which is a must for me.

In June 2003, Portman graduated from Harvard University with a bachelor's degree in psychology, and pursued graduate studies at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in the spring of 2004.[8] At Harvard, Portman was Alan Dershowitz's research assistant (he thanks her in The Case for Israel). She was also a research assistant in a psychology lab, and in March 2006, appeared as a guest lecturer at a Columbia University course in terrorism and counterterrorism, where she spoke about her film V for Vendetta.[10]

In addition to being bilingual in Hebrew[11] and English, Portman has studied[12] French,[13] Japanese,[13] German[14] and Arabic.[15]

As a student, Portman co-authored two research papers which were published in professional scientific journals. Her 1998 high school paper on the "Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen" was entered in the Intel Science Talent Search.[16] In 2002, she contributed to a study on memory called "Frontal Lobe Activation During Object Permanence" during her psychology studies at Harvard.[17]

NataliePortmanPicture.jpg

On top of that....she's an animal activist...

Portman has been a vegetarian since childhood and is an advocate for animal rights. She does not eat animal products or wear fur, feathers or leather. "All of my shoes are from Target and Stella McCartney," she says.[31]

In 2007, Natalie Portman traveled to Rwanda with Jack Hanna, to film a documentary titled Gorillas on the Brink. Later at a naming ceremony, Portman named a baby gorilla Gukina, which means 'to play'.[32]

In 2007, she launched her own brand of vegan footwear.[33]

Even more....her beliefs are extremely important to her....by now you get the point......You could sit down, have a nice dinner and a great conversation with her. If you were bored with Natalie Portman, I doubt there is a woman in the world who you wouldn't be bored with. You wouldn't have to carry the entire conversation and she would more than likely try to push me around during the conversation, which is a good thing to me. She has her own voice and isn't afraid to let it be known.

One of the (many) things I love about TLD is her sense of humor and it seems that Natalie Portman comes up aces in that area as well. She's been on Saturday Night Live and various movies that show that she has a great sense of humor. I've seen her being interviewed before and there are always a lot of laughs.

Still, there has to be some type of a challenge with someone you date and with Miss Portman, this comes in two ways. One, she's a vegetarian and I am not. I've dated a borderline vegetarian before and it's not much fun. If, some sort of a compromise could be made or if a way could be found to where both parties would be content with the eating situation, then things could be ok. Second, when was the last time you saw Natalie Portman at a sporting event? Probably never. To get her to come to one of my games would be the ultimate test. Seeing her in the stands with a ball cap on and a beer in her hand.....very nice. That might be the ultimate victory.

So, that's my choice fellas (out of women who aren't married and if I hadn't met TLD). Who would you try to date if you were a professional athlete? Would you go after the latest rising starlett? Would you try to date a nobody so there wouldn't be too much attention on you?


24 Comments
Bruce said

Well, being that I'm an older gentleman(mid-50s), I'd be a coach or manager, and my lady of choice, if she were so inclined, would be Renee Russo. I've always had a thing for her, and it would make me think more than twice about spending hours upon hours in the film room, that's for sure.

Extra P. said

A fantastic choice. As much fun as a Simpson type might be, I would never be able to sit through the inane chatter that comes out of her mouth. Portman is way smart, and that makes her ten times hotter to me.

I must say, I'm having a very hard time picking someone for myself, though. I'd probably surprise everyone and go after someone from the music scene.

Erin said

Excellent choice, Jack.

grifter said

why should we be surprised with your pick?

i'd go for rosario dawson. she's had an interesting upbringing, she makes good movies (don't mention "pluto nash"), she isn't afraid to get arrest for a cause she believes in, she's funny, smart, she probably wouldn't show up to my game wearing a pink version of my jersey... and she's hot.

the downside, of course, is that she doesn't seem like the type that would date an athlete.

Not for me, holmes. In addition to being anti-Arab and anti-meat (I'm Argentine), she also lacks any... meat... on her body.

As the resident minority around these parts, I have to chime in with a "No".

But I do like that you tried to cover your pick up by attributing it to her "intelligence". I guess I can't sub in Jessica Alba, since the web lacks any proof of her intellect.

Maybe that Hayden chick from Heroes? She may not be really smart as far as I can tell, but she's into doing good, you know, Save The Whales type stuff....

In the end, Portman and I would break up because of my enormous endorsement contract with Nike and our inability to find common ground on eating preferences.....

Renee Russo and Rosario Dawson....nice choices. You can't go wrong with Russo in 'The Thomas Crown Affair' and Dawson just seems like a wild stallion that would make for some interesting times.

Luckily.....you are allowed to like whoever you want. Obviously I think Portman is hot, which I thought was a given, so I tried to detail other reasons why.....

I'm not sure you can pick Alba since she's pregnant...unless you are into that?

Hey, I just want Alternative Universe Baseball Star Jack Cobra to be happy, that's all!

How about Scarlett Johanson? She's perfect, no? Movie star, hot, a Democrat, doesn't believe in monogamy, loves cheese, is against the ultra-thin body image of fashion magazines, and seems pretty smart....

Ha! Yeah, i don't know much about her other than how she looks and what people say about how she looks.

Alternate Universe Baseball Star Jack Cobra is going to go enjoy his weekend now..

I've heard rumors of her and Benicio Del Torro in an elevator at the Oscars. Naughty is a plus, as well.

Nice job picking a lesbian in Portman. I'd totally go for Anne Hathaway. Something about her actually being classy in an aubrey hepburn way is better than the trashy girls like Britney or lindsay lohan

ELVI!

Elvi is like the plural form of Elvis, no?

Actress = either Julia Stiles or Reese Witherspoon. Both are exceptionally hot and fall into the Natalie Portman type. Singer = I'd pick up Tony Romo's scraps and hit on Carrie Underwood. Miscellaneous (otherwise known as "other famous person who went to my alma mater and is a huge sports fan") = Jenn Sterger.

Bruce Paine said

Anne Hathaway=Audrey Hepburn?

Are you kidding me? That is about as close as Jack Black=Steve McQueen.

mcbias said

For me, I'd want to pick someone who hasn't been in "the business" for years and years, someone who has had a life outside of being an actress or singer. Smarts are good, and morals are important too. I don't want to be worrying about her staying faithful while she's making her movie in Vancouver, Canada and I'm leading the Cavs to another deep NBA play-off run. My pick? Evangeline Lilly, the woman who plays Kate on Lost. It's an easy choice! I'd say more, but I can't ruin another keyboard with drool. :-)

Natalie Portman is an inspired choice, Jack (although she's a smoker, I think--a minus for me). I had a big crush there once after reading a column where she said she was considering giving up acting because she liked school so much. And Natalieportman.org is a great fan site--it's actually funny and creative. The one thing that annoys me is that she's SO short; in pictures together, she's going to come up to my hip (of course, I'm 6'4" in this alternate universe) and that looks awkward.

Oh, and Natalie is a decent Knicks fan--see pictures here (some material on page NSFW)
http://www.ninjadude.com/images/index.php/Natalie-Portman/natalie-portman-knicks-4.jpg?action=big&size=original , http://gallery.natalie-portman.org/displayimage.php?album=232&pos=29 , http://www.natalieportman.com/gallery/public_2006_knicks-lakers-game . Nice pick, Jack!

mcbias said

Oh, and another Natalie picture at a game: http://tob.hollywood.com/2007/03/21/natalie-portman-attends-mavericks-vs-nicks-game/

Here's another angle--wouldn't you go after the taller singers/models/actresses? Usually they get stuck trying to look short next to Timberlake (Biel), Cruise (Kidman), and other shrimp boys. You think they wouldn't jump at a tall, chiseled professional athlete? Don't forget, too, athletes really don't do that well with famous women. Take a look--very few athletes date women that match their professional stature. You're telling me the QB of the Cowboys can only get washed-up singers, or the QB of the Patriots can only get an older actress?

I think you'd have to fight our boy Buck Rampage for Lilly....she's from Canada though!!! Eh?

The height thing is overrated to me...I'm not with her to look good in pics with her, I'm with her because I like her. Although....the accents on some of the models are just so very nice.

Buck Rampage? That's not fair, he already has a Cougar! ha. Back off Buck, I liked her first!

No self-respecting Knicks fan would ever date a Bulls fan. The potential of the Bulls fan bringing up Charles Smith would be too great and would cause instant drama.

Yes, it is the plural of Elvis. I need at least three people to help me make coherent statements on the interwebs. I will give you respect for picking Portman instead of Biel or Alba becuase you don't want to become a Valtrex user.

ELVI!

Watch it mcbias! Lilly is mine. Her potty mouth and all eh? I'm a big fan of Portman also. I'm with Jack on the height issue, doesn't matter. It's fun sometimes to have a lil 5 foot hottie to toss around in the sack!

mcbias said

Potty mouth AND being a Christian, which makes her one of the 5? total actresses in Hollywood who are Christians. She's mine, Buck! She can't be unequally yoked with you! :-p (I'm kidding around, I have no idea if you are a Christian or not).

And you can't have liked her before I did. I liked Evangeline Lilly ever since I saw the LiveLinks ads on our local TV station while watching Mad TV. That was pre-Lost. Yes, that's embarrassing to admit, but she actually made LiveLinks sound classy and normal. Any girl who can do that is pretty amazing.

Got me there. I have no clue what livelinks are. He beat me!

Jon said

Natalie Portman isn't Anti-Arab! Dude, I know these things, okay? I'm an Arab and if she hated us I could not crush on her to the extent that I do. She's good pals with the Arab queen Rania of Jordan, runs with those (such as Amos Gitai) who sympathize with Arab countries such as Palestine, regularly stays in Arab countries like Morocco... the list goes on.

Please tell me you had a better reason for that ignorant statement than she's an Israeli Jew.

Leave a comment

Comments (You may use HTML tags for style)


(Please only press submit once, it may take a moment to process.)
Spring Training 08