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Bruce Paine has friends that aren't Jack and the boys, if you can believe it. They are the kinds of friends that like to see bad things happen to me, and I like to see bad things happen to them, it is funnier that way. Now that I say it out loud, that is the way Jack and Buck think, maybe all of my friends are that way... One of my good friends, The Chief, believes that one of the funniest moment of his life was watching Bruce Paine get eight of his fingers broken at once. He knew that it meant that I wouldn't be able work for several weeks since we worked with our hands and he knew that the loss of income  would threaten my livelyhood and rob me of all my hobbies which included basketball, baseball, video games, and painting. It was as near catastrophic as an injury situation could get for me. When he began laughing I understood, though, and didn't mind. I would get my shot. When his last girlfriend was whisked away by a man 30 years her senior because he "had his act together" and was "closer to accomplishing his goals" I laughed myself hoarse and then told every single mother-f*cking person I saw for two years.
The Chief and I have always asked ourselves deep, philosophic questions to help ourselves pass time and to present a situation where we can judge others by the lameness of their response. We have few rules but one cannot answer with the same response of someone else and you can't talk your way out of it. Often, when faced with the question, insecure people will begin asking questions of their own in a thinly veiled attempt to discover what kind of answer will gain the highest approval and thereby become the best. We call those people out. Historically the topics range widely. Examples are as follows:
If you could die in any battle in history which would you choose and what side would you have been on?
If you were marooned on an unpopulated tropical island what item would you take with you?
If you had to cannibalize one Hogan, which would you choose, Paul Hogan or Hulk Hogan?
Are you a pirate, a lumberjack, or a cowboy?
I was searching the net using the word "spider church" and found this, and I realized the blog hit on a conversation Chief and I had two years ago:
If you could take any one really small creature and make it really big, which creature would you choose and how big would it be?
Chief posed the question and I immediately tried to go first but he jumped the gun, and knowing we both wanted the same thing, he claimed a giant spider the instant after he asked the question. I wanted a giant spider badly, probably for the same reason he wanted one, and it pissed me off to not get it. I pondered. A snake was too cliche, and when I said I wanted a rhinoceros the size of the Pentagon I was informed that a rhino was bigger than the starting size. We then debated the starting size and determined that it must be smaller than an average dog. That was the point when we decided that the really big thing had to start small. I was dejected. I thought I should go scorpion, because I could accomplish much of the same goal I had for a giant spider with the scorpion but it would have appeared as though I was coat-tailing Chief's choice.
I need help. I have to come up with something sweet but it has to start small, too. It has to carry with it enough intrinsic dread that it could be used to terrorize a Japanese city or, perhaps, Chicago. It also has to be naturally aggressive enough that its introduction into the world would necessitate the calling out of the National Guard and maybe the regular army and air corps. Once created, its name will be Jim.
Oh, and the secondary part of the question was what really big creature would you make really small and how small would it be?
Lame answers at this point range from making a koala six feet tall and making a giant panda ten inches tall. Another crappy one was making a whale a mile long. Not only did they blow the making big things small and small things big part but they did it with no humor at all.
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13 Comments
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2008 Cubs Preview
oh and don't let the pic throw you off. This pic has been on the net for a while and a lot of ignorant hillbillies have fallen prey to the perspective field. It looks giant but the sleeve on the right hand side shows it to be 6 or 7 inches. Not two feet.
small to big: snapping turtle
big to small: great white shark (size of a goldfish)
small to big: Howler Monkey
big to small: T-Rex - I know they aren't around anymore, but Brian took the good answer and I was going to go with the obvious of "my pecker", but decided I could handle the girth for just a while longer.
small to big - the Geico Gecko
big to small - deez nuts!
Small to big: a (female) praying mantis - it will be huge and horny, and after she gets some she'll be inclined to destroy...everything. Plus, I like the idea of naming her Jim.
Big to small: a hippo - I just think they're cute, so I think I'd like a little one.
A huge, horny female named Jim...Sounds like a few nights out at the bars with Bruce Paine!
small: bullet ant
large: grizzly bear
small to big: Pihranna, a hungry one.
big to small: A liger.
A cute little kitty cat sized liger that would kick the crap out of the noisy neighborhood dog when he barks at 3 in the morning.
Another brain fart..Forgot who i was when i posted. My bad.
I just re-read the question
small-bullet ant to about 150 /200 pounds -large enough to create havoc, but maintain ease of movement
large-grizzly - the larger end of the medium dogs- any smaller and they might not be able to retain their awesome speed -
MLJ,
Actually the mini grizzly would really kick ass... can you send it to my neighborhood to shut up the dog that howls at 3:00 am? LOL
mlj: You aren't thinking in the right scale. I want a King Kong sized spider, a 200 pound ant is nice and all but I think you could hit it with a truck and kill it. If you hit a king kong-sized spider with a truck you would get a king-kong-sized can of woopass in return.
JJ: Who the hell am I going to terrorize with a giant toothy fish? Roy Schieder. Seaquest is over. I need something they have to call out the cavalry for.
Redhead: I like where your red head is at. A mantis is good (I think the japanese have a movie about it which makes me a little leary of going with it, though) and a minipo (mini0hippo) would be awesome. You could keep it in a bathtub or kiddie pool.
Brian: loving the mini-shark and the snapping turtle. There are giant snapping turtles in the pond behind my parents hay field. (about 3 feet wide or so) and every once in a while they mosey up to the yard. One time we saw a particularly large one come through the field. It took him all day to get to the house. When he got to the back yard, we wanted to poke him with a stick so we grabbed this old piece of hickory my grandad used for a walking stick. I started poking him and he grabbed the stick and bit it in half. I left him alone after that.
How about a giant Komodo dragon?
There was a story last year of one that ate his owner. It would be like some giant, mutated Godzilla.