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I stayed up late last night after a softball game so I could watch film on the Indianapolis Colts' preseason game against the Chicago Bears and tell you what I think. Now I am tired and cranky like a 10-month old. So why write a post when none of you care about the Colts? Because Jack Cobra asked me to break down Colts film and write about it, thats why. But before you get to that you are going to have to learn why I like The Redhead so much and why I hate myself more than any of you.
Post Script: I have an unfortunate life that occasionally places me naked in front of people that I don't want to see me naked. I don't want it to happen, it just does. I am not proud of it.
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Before I continue allow me an homage to The Redhead as I describe myself.
Physically - 5'11", thick brown hair with natural highlights and no thinning, grey eyes, thick (not thin) with a barrel chest. I wouldn't say I am fat but I do wear a 44-long jacket, or a 46 if it is a good tailor and I have a great one. I don't have any muscle that wasn't put on by laying stone or pitching hay. I wouldn't work out to improve myself for pretty much any reason and the only metal I lift is aluminum. The 180 pound six pack my girlfriend started dating 4 years ago has turned into a 195 pound beergut cleverly cultivated by, you guessed it, beer. I am not what you would call...attractive. I like to think I have a certain...rugged appeal. If Clint Eastwood had a thicker neck, dark hair, and had been punched in the face more often you might get close to what I look like. I have some scars on my face but my dear mother was an excellent seamstress and thanks to her you can only see a couple and even then I might have to point them out. I have nice teeth but that is because when I chipped them I generally got the one on the other side chipped in a similar fashion and they ended up symmetrical. No orthodontist needed. My asshole friends say I look like Tom Brady. I am not sure if that is because they believe it or because they know I don't like the Patriots. It may be because I don't like to shave. I can't help it, genetics blessed me with incredibly hard stubble that ruins razor blades. Shaving can get expensive.
Personality - Oh f*ck.
I also like the Redhead because she doesn't like people who talk with their mouths full. I have always had a penchant for redheads. As a young man I watched many a John Wayne movie and fell deeply in love with Maureen O'hara. She still trips the switch. I watched the Quiet Man the other day just to see her mad, damn those redheads. But The Redhead doesn't like mid-western farmboys anymore, c'est la vie. I will have to forget shapely redheads and settle for my skinny brunette. Still, I have cultivated an appreciation for brunettes, now. That is another post.
I normally want to kill about nine people a day, today wasn't a bad day for me and it was only two. The first was my auto insurance agent. While I was at work I was sitting in my company truck waiting for a light to change. I noticed that my auto insurance agent, clad in his Dockers and a short-sleeve button up shirt avec tie, sat in front of me on a new Harley-Davidson. The only thing that infuriates me more than people who buy into the "fashion" of the marijuana sub-culture are people who buy into the Discovery Chanel "fashion" of the motorcycle. I thought that maybe he was into the bike for the freedom and then I noticed the phrase enameled onto the back of the sissy bar. "Git off my road. Yeah!" I sat stunned and gazed unflinching until I realized that the phrase was A CUSTOM JOB and had been put there ON PURPOSE. I felt the heat creep into my normally cold heart and my right palm began to sweat on the gear shift as I thought of the cool steel of my .45 resting comfortably in my hand. I was near breaking and saw myself in brief moments of futurevision as I slowly reached for the glove compartment. It was then that I realized my pistol was in the glove box of MY truck and I wasn't in MY truck. I watched him peel away from the intersection and quietly thought, "You lucky son of a bitch, thats the SECOND time I would have shot someone if my gun hadn't been somewhere else."
The other guy I wanted to kill was my landlord. The plumbing in my house is shot. It is a million years old and put together out of galvanized steel pipe which is renowned for its ability to hold onto calcium deposits and clog lines. The house is small and could be redone in PVC to all major points in about two hours. I am an expert on such matters and that estimate is accurate given proper tools and work ethic. For some reason there is no cold water to the shower. My roomie says there was a leak at one time and that I fixed the leak in the cold water line by shutting it off and made the shower tolerable by turning the water heater down. That didn't happen to my recollection but there is, in fact, no cold water running to the shower and the water heater is turned down. Regardless, the shower is tolerable because the water heater is turned down. A few weeks ago the house was inspected by city inspectors with the landlord present. That night I got home and started the shower.
It should be noted that my shower is very important to my evening. It bathes the self-loathing and frustration I heap upon myself and replaces it with something slightly less volatile.
When I stepped into the shower I was greeted by liquid hot magma that replaced my back with a stripe of bright red flesh and put a burn on my head that was about a hair shy of second degree blisters. I was pissed. I jumped out, put a towel on, and marched to the basement to find that the landlord, having seen the water heater turned down, had turned back up. I am sure he thought he was doing us a favor. I forgave him, turned it back down, took a pipe wrench and turned the regulator upside down so he couldn't read the dial and make the mistake again, and ran water until it was reasonable and took my shower. I got home today, after spending my afternoon in a 130 degree attic running new wires through a home with an old coal furnace, and desperately needed a cool shower. I started the water, stepped in, and knew what it felt like when the pyroclastic flow of Vesuvius destroyed Herculaneum. Mad as Hell I stomped into the basement to find that the bastard had adjusted the gauge again and removed the dial so I couldn't readjust it without taking the cover off the unit. Growl.......
I marched back upstairs to the bathroom and decided that I would take a bath. I don't like baths as an individual endeavor. Bathing is better suited for two and allowing yourself to "be bathed". I can endure that, particularly if one thing leads to another. No dice, haven't seen the little lady since March. But, desperate, I decided that I would fill the tub and let it sit until it wasn't boiling. As I waited I decided that, since the old pipes had such crappy flow, it might take three hours to fill the tub and wait for it cool. I decided I would get a bucket and fill it with cool water in the kitchen which is closer to where the main comes into the house and has better pressure.
I left the towel in the bathroom, I was alone and didn't need it since roomie is in San Fran. The only window below waist level is in the glass backdoor which only faces the backyard and the recycling bins I share with a neighbor. I went into the kitchen to find a bucket and the best thing I could find was the little pumpkin  pail we use to put candy out for trick-or-treaters. It would have to do. I put it in the sink and began filling it. I got into the fridge and pulled out one of two 24oz. cans of cold Budweiser I had waiting for me. (You know, the Dale Earnhardt Jr. can) As I began to chug I heard an excited gasp and turned to see my young, harpist neighbor jiggle away from the recycling bins at top speed. (No shit, there is a full grown concert harp in the neighbors living room.) "It isn't that bad! I am getting in the tub!" I shouted but she didn't seem to think that would help. I don't think she saw much, I am hung like an elevator button.
By now the tub was filled enough if "enough" means 3 or 4 inches of water. I took my pumpkin and my second beer into the bathroom and dumped the cold water in. I stepped into water that was just shy of fire and decided I was beyond the Rubicon and settled my bottom into the tub. The tub wasn't that clean because I am a guy, but it would have to do. I cracked my second beer and closed my eyes. If I had to suffer the indignity of bathing like an infant I didn't have to watch. What really upset me was that I had lost part of a toenail in a mishap earlier in the day and the hot water really reminded me of it.
When I got done washing my hair I opened my eyes to find that I was essentially bathing in the mud the blood and the beer. I had emptied my beer can and it was floating around me like a small moon during the last half of the affair. The coal dust had turned the water a thin brown/grey and it had streaks of pink from where I had scrubbed my busted toe. I felt so dirty I had to take a shower in the boiling hot water anyway. Now my scalp is burnt. I f*cking hate people.
Onto the Colts. As Bruce Paine watched the game he discovered four things you should know about the Colts and one thing you should know about Ron Jaworski.
1. Ron Jaworsi is awesome as an analyst. While I have always  enjoyed his film breakdown segments on ESPN I loved his performance last night as a member of the Monday night crew. On Chicago's first possession he commented as they faced a 3rd and 7 or so that the Colts' defense was built for those kinds of moments. It is both true and unoriginal. What happened next was awesome. The Bears drop back and Grossman dropped deep into the pocket. Robert Mathis comes swinging around underneath the lineman and swats the ball out of Grossman's hand. Ed Johnson jumps on it to recover for the Colts. nstead of giving me the type of crap about execution that we get from jokers like Sean Salisbury, Jaws remarks on the fact that the beauty of Indy's third down defense is that if you are pushed to third and long the ends reach the quarterback before the receivers can break into their routes. He then says that since the QB is forced into a 7 or 12 step drop that the ends have predetermined angles that they can take to put themselves into position to impact the play. I thought, "that is some good analyzing right there. That is exactly what the colts try to do." Then, to take it to the next level, they show the replay from a view behind Grossman and Jaws points out that at the moment Mathis is engaging Grossman the receivers still have their backs to him because they have to extend 10 or so yards downfield to put themselves into position for a first down catch. I am not gay but at that moment I wanted to marry Ron Jaworski. He is an American Hero, he is a God.
He also stated on the Colts' first possession that when the Colts line up with two tight ends down (as opposed to one down in a three point stance and one up split out in the slot) that the Colts are 68% to run in that formation. It is true and an avid Colts fanatic would know that but it showed me that he had a real eye for doing his homework and recognizing trends. I loved it.
2. The Colts put too much pressure on Jeff Saturday in the goal line. The Colts don't have a traditional fullback on their roster and they really need one to give Joe Addai a lead blocker on the goal line. The Colts feel like a traditional fullback would limit their receiving options so they line up with two tight ends down on the goal line. They don't have enough beef at guard to be real dominant on the goal line without a fullback and Saturday is often given a blocking assignment that goes above and beyond. Last night they were stopped short several times in short yardage and Saturday had to cover a ridiculous distance to engage his block which can sometimes sacrifice low leverage. Check out the first possession and the last one of the half for examples.
3. Ed Johnson may appear to be dealing with all the big plays he is coming up with on the first team defense, but I am not convinced. I can't say that I know a lot about him. I try to follow the homers and he is out of Penn State, but I can't say a lot. If I recall I think he was suspended or expelled for a short time but I can't think of what for. Help me out here guys and gals. He repeatedly gets beat by  the lineman blocking him but he runs his motor high and ends up finishing plays late. His fumble recovery last night was a great example. Still, he shows some burst towards the passer and will, on occasion, make a good read. His sacks are examples of that. Opportunist guys have their place on the field, and he is certainly one of those guys. An effort player, he holds a dear spot in Paine's heart, but he has to improve off the snap to make an impact during the regular season.
4. Joe Addai is not perfect. His performance last year has won over a lot of local fans but he has a long way to come. While he excels between the tackles he is poor on the stretch running plays the Colts are so fond of using to set up the play action. He simply isn't patient enough. He misses cuts upfield by not letting blocking develop or over-running blockers who just need one more split second to open up the lane. Last night was a great example. Rewind your tape to about 2:15 to go in the first half. He takes the handoff and stretches to the offensive left. He overruns the pulling blocker and finds himself hung out to dry by his own doing. The defender pushes the blocker towards the sideline, sealing off the outside run. What Addai doesn't notice until it is too late is that the running lane developed on the inside of the block after Addai had taken himself to the outside. He tried to cut back but ran into his own man. If he had been patient and followed on the hip of the blocker instead of overrunning he would have had a big run upfield. Tom Moore, the old goat himself, stopped chewing his cud for a brief moment while he grit his teeth. Addai has shown an ability to improve from game to game, though, and I look for a more patience early in the season. In the playoffs last year he struggled early in third down protection as a blocker himself against Kansas City but was impervious against Baltimore. I think he may struggle early but pick up around week three.
5. The Colts secondary is coming to play. I haven't seen sound openfield tackling like they showed against Chicago in Indy. Ever. Marlin Jackson's first preseason game as a rookie three years ago opened with a screen pass to Eric Moulds when he was with the Bills. Moulds, who is a big receiver, was faceplanted by the rookie Jackson. It was a heck of a message. He is going to be an impact player in the run game for the Colts, no doubt, and he has a chance to turn some national heads in some of these primetime (away thanks to the schedule) games. I am putting an over/under on the number of times he appears on JackedUp. I am setting it at 2, what do you all say?
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2008 Cubs Preview
Um...I'm going to go ahead and say this is the greatest post ever, bar none. I don't care what website you go to, you will be hard pressed to find one better than this. Next, we tell you that you look like Tom Brady because we know you hate him and we like to see you suffer. Next, I did not know you had a new neighbor... I look forward to meeting her this weekend. Lastly...you will see your little lady this weekend, so relax....
Wow. Awesome
at least this time I didn't have an entire town of people honking at me as I walked home or I didn't have a cop at the house waiting to arrest me.
Not to go all Jerry McGuire on you, but:
You had me at "I started the water, stepped in, and knew what it felt like when the pyroclastic flow of Vesuvius destroyed Herculaneum."
That's a tragic story there Bruce. Next time just give up and head to the Hyper, pay your $7 and take a shower. Baths are horrible, just sitting there soaking up your own filth.
Best football post I've ever read. As for getting caught naked - hey, it's every person's inalienable right to walk around their home with no clothes on, if you're neighbor doesn't appreciate the show, it's her loss.
Bruce, I care...about the Colts that is. I've been a huge Colts fan since the days of Jack Tredaeu. I'm sure we could spend quite some time dogging Brady. For the landlord situation, they are nothing but SOB's. They know that they screwing with you already with the high price of rent but then stick it to you again by not taking care of anything and blaming everything wrong on the tenants. The question becomes what are you doing with a pumpking bucket in the first place?
Here is my question....We see the pic of the pumpkin bucket taken in the bathroom so we know you had the camera in the bathroom. We know you were walking around naked. We also know you haven't seen your girlfriend in months....what was the camera doing in the bathroom??
Did you at least give your neighbor the Shooter?
Great stuff there Painster, I can't think of a better way to start a Wednesday with a good ol' fuck the world, I'm naked story...
as a PSU alum, got to see Ed Johnson many times. He's got suspended twice at PSU. Once for the year (some sort of sexual misconduct thingy) and for the bowl game last year.
Obviously, those two things took away from his draft status and also held back his development on the field. Overall he did a good job while on the field and should develop into a good (not great) NFL lineman, unless he gets arrested or suspended or something.
The pumpkin bucket was for halloween candy
the camera was a cameraphone shot, and I also took one of the bathwater with the beer can in it but by that time it had drained some and had a little more red in it than i wanted to post
she did not get the shooter, I didn't know anyone was watching or I would have.
thanks for the heads up on ed johnson. he is definitely a wait and see but i am really concerned about his lack of moves. Often he stands up into the block and just doesn't do anything except push.
Wow. wow. wow. Why did I let this sit in my inbox for so long? Just checked this out, and Mr. Paine, you are a literary genius and a wordsmith of epic proportions. And because the best compliment I've gotten on my blog is that reading one of my posts was like receiving the AIDS virus, well, your post was better than that.